Faith Journey (part 9)

The following section is probably unnecessary if you have read, meditated upon, and inwardly digested my previous posts. However, there are a number of conclusions believers may prematurely arrive at when first encountering my heretical and apostate views. I try to answer them here.

Are you angry at the church? Have you been hurt in some way? I can honestly say that my critique of Christian faith has not been fueled by anger at the institution, or particular Christians, or by some personal hurt or misfortune. Personally, I have been treated very well by the church; I will always owe a debt of gratitude for the support of the LCA and all the wonderful people within it. Some aspects of what happened after I shared my views with church leadership were disappointing, but at the same time I also received unexpected support from within the church. But the main point is this: my critique of Christian belief did not stem from personal injury or offense.  

Are you more generally offended by the church’s moral track record? I don't deny that the churches have been culpable in many ways over the centuries and the cause of considerable evil; but I also recognize that churches and Christians have been the source of immense good. Once again, this has not been the primary reason for arriving at my conclusions.

Are you trying to intellectualize what is basically a spiritual problem? Is my unbelief the result of hardness of heart, of proud insubordination and unwillingness to submit to God and his word? Obviously, the word 'unbelief' has for many Christians this tone of 'refusal', 'rejection' or 'hostility', and so is naturally regarded as a moral or spiritual failure. But such a conclusion only makes sense within the thought-world of faith, so if one thinks that of me, so be it. But I don’t see it that way.

Do you want to break free from the constraints of Christian morality? Once again, this is not the case. There are many motivations and rewards for resisting selfishness and striving to look to the interests of others. Not only is there the continuing influence of the ethical framework that has formed me, there are also simple human reasons for wishing to live with personal integrity and mutual goodwill. And when it comes to the inner struggle, which is not just the preserve of Christian experience, I suspect that our evolutionary heritage and cultural/linguistic formation provides a better foundation for understanding it than the myth of original perfection, original sin, or the temptations of Satan.

Are you having trouble accepting grace and forgiveness? That is, in being unable to accept Christ's free and undeserved mercy, have I shut my heart to God altogether? Even if this was the case, it's entirely irrelevant to the reasons I've been discussing. Even if I do have a 'spiritual problem', it in no way changes what I regard as the implausibility of traditional claims about Jesus, the bible, history, and so on. It's interesting to note that of the various de-conversion accounts I've read, you get the full range of human experience – those whose loss of faith was tied up with moral failure and personal animus, and the very opposite, those whose integrity and dignity remained steadfast even as their faith slowly unravelled.

Were you converted by New Atheists, which you wrote about in The Lutheran? Simple answer again is no. Most of my ideas were coming together by the time I got to writing that series. Furthermore, many New Atheist arguments were of quite poor quality. The truth is, most of my conclusions were arrived at by reading books on biblical scholarship and contemporary Christian theology in our own ALC library.

Do you think that you are smarter than everyone else? Are you accusing Christians of stupidity? Not at all. For a start, the willingness to subject our beliefs to scrutiny, and the forces claiming our loyalty, are often quite independent of our intellectual abilities (this is a prime example of where the New Atheists are mistaken, imagining believers to be bereft of intelligence). But while I don’t claim to be cleverer than others, I can say that I have informed myself to a degree that many believers would not be willing to do. I have read, researched, and wrestled with these issues, alone and with others, as much as is humanly possible. And it also seems to be the case that some believers will resist, misrepresent or caricature anything they fear may threaten their faith – a defensive action that speaks volumes, it seems.

Is it now your mission to convert others to unbelief? Once again, the answer is no. I respect the faith and worldviews of believers, and do not wish to belittle anyone for their views and practices. As I discussed above, I believe that (even as a human phenomenon) faith and church have formed the people I know, and usually for the better. Besides, having been an insider to faith for many years (most of my life, actually) I recognize the sense it makes when you are inside that world of faith. At the same time, I will welcome honest and frank discussion with anyone who wants to understand my position.

Are your current views due to burnout?  I would not say that my views and conclusions were due to burnout. For most of my time at ALC, I was motivated and energetic. However, it’s probably true that I definitely was heading for burnout, due to the extra pressure of having to live with, or somehow trying to resolve, all these things. In effect, I had to juggle three balls: one was my ALC and LCA work, another was my doctorate, and the third was my conflict of beliefs. The first two were manageable – but the third ball was really doing me in.

In conclusion

No doubt there are many other ways my change of thinking and commitments could be construed and interpreted, and that’s OK. Everyone has to interpret the world around them in terms of their own sense of reality, and that means you might interpret what I’m saying in terms of Christian faith and Lutheran spiritual dynamics – how could you do otherwise? On the other hand, what I’ve described might make perfect sense to you, given the ‘world’ you live in.

Anyway, I can honestly say that I am comfortable with letting go of confessions and dogmas that I can no longer make myself believe, including the realization that I don’t have anything quite so comprehensive or venerable to replace it with. That in itself is amazing, because I remember a time when I regarded ‘losing the faith’ as the worst possible thing that could happen to a Christian – which is a fear the faith itself inculcates. But in truth, there is immense freedom in finally owning up to what you do and don’t believe, and knowing that although you might be quite mistaken about some things, at least you are being real.

All the same, the practical implications of all this were not at all easy. In fact, the next 15 months or so were some of the more challenging I’ve ever faced, and I’ll wrap my faith journey up in my last post by briefly recounting them.