Faith Journey (Part 8)

As this personal journey draws near to the present, or at least to where it started with A Short Statement of ‘Belief’(Blog post 4/10/15), I provide a snapshot of where I was in early 2015 and what I ended up sharing with the leadership of the LCA. Since it’s not unlike where I’m at now in my worldview, I’ve let some sections remain in present tense…

What do I believe?

So what have I turned into, if my worldview is no longer informed and sustained by Christian beliefs? Although I agree with atheism on many points, I’m not comfortable with the definitive label ‘atheist’ – it seems a little too doctrinaire in its own way, it reduces the element of cosmic mystery to materialist naturalism, and on a personal level, many people I know and love react quite adversely to the ‘A’ word. In any case, I think that ‘agnostic’ approximates my current position, and ‘free thinker’ comes close to describing my ideal – although I recognize that none of us are ‘free’ in any absolute sense, but products of our time, place and circumstance. The point is that I have not submitted to another ‘system’ of belief, nor have I embraced another ‘gospel’. For it’s not just my beliefs that have changed, but my very approach to believing. My manner of engaging with reality has a far greater degree of hesitancy, contingency, and willingness to revise (including what I write here). Obviously there is a broad worldview and consensus of opinions that I find persuasive, but one thing I do not wish to be or become is unbendingly dogmatic. 

In fact, I am learning that it is absolutely OK not to know, and that the deepest mysteries of life will most likely always elude us. I’m not saying we should give up trying to understand – just that we continually reassess what we believe, no matter how sacred that inherited wisdom is. And because there are many sources of knowledge and guidance to help us assess what is real and good, I for one cannot commit myself to scriptures and saviours claiming to be (or considered to be) definitive, universal and eternal. 

Hopefully you can see that this is not some knee jerk reaction to our overly dogmatic past (like when the fundamentalist Christian overnight becomes a fundamentalist atheist). For my journey has included periods of engagement with catholic and ecumenical kinds of orthodoxy, and more recently, post-critical and progressive/liberal constructions of Christian faith. But as I have also discovered, it takes a particular kind of personality to commit your life to a set of symbols when you know full well that’s all they are (See blog post 10/7/16). Some can live and move and have their being in such a Christian world, although I suspect that family ties, traditional loyalties, and economic realities probably play a larger role than admitted. But my temperament doesn’t seem to work that way, and I feel unable to fully enter into the ‘as if’ mode of hypothetical belief for the sake of belonging to a community.

But even if I don’t engage with the faith personally, might not Christianity continue to play an important role in the broader local and global community? I believe this is the case. As I see it, Christianity will continue to be immensely successful and self-validating, at least in the foreseeable future. This is especially as it opens up to the global south, where intellectual culture has not passed through same travails as in the west. Christian faith, I imagine, will continue to meet personal needs, give meaning, and provide a stable pattern for negotiating what can be a scary and chaotic world. Prayer and spirituality will continue to anchor personal lives, and public worship will continue to be the backbone of believing communities. Against Christopher Hitchens, I agree with Tony Blair that religion will be, or at least can be, a force for good, despite its role in various conflicts around the world. I for one know that the Christian matrix of beliefs and practices can provide a powerful motivator to strive against our ingrained selfishness – although I no longer believe that only Christianity can effectively do this. Sadly, many who don’t belong to a religious tradition may well live aimless and self-destructive lives, and yes, much contemporary life is extremely shallow, based as it is on consumerism and entertainment (i.e., bread and circus). By contrast, many will discover that Christianity can supply an exceedingly comprehensive, holistic and road tested framework for life – one that works at many levels.

[By the way, if reports are true that many Muslims in Europe are converting to Christianity – and I’m not sure if this is anything more than anecdotal – then I think that this too can be understood as a purely human phenomenon, and not some special work of providence. After all, individuals and communities do change, sometimes gradually, sometimes dramatically. It’s what happens.]

Who knows, Christianity might even continue to be a vibrant intellectual tradition, but if so, I suspect this will be to the degree that it appropriates contemporary scientific, psychological and philosophical insights. That is, while Christianity will absorb or adapt to new forms of secular knowledge, will these branches of knowledge in turn be enriched by specifically Christian beliefs? Somehow, I doubt it. But coming back to the local scene, whether or not LCA membership will catch up with even commonly accepted mainstream biblical scholarship remains to be seen. For the present, it seems that our clergy are doing a fine job in protecting them from uncomfortable truths the academic community has known for decades.

Anyway, the point of sharing all this was (and still is) to show that the path I was taking (and the pastures I was leaving) did not stem from simplistic idealism. I knew then, as I do now, that the existential grass is not greener on the other side. I also recognize that in practical terms, Christianity has resources for social and individual wellbeing that secularism often cannot match. Many thoughtful non-believers recognize this to be the case, without thereby subscribing to such religious beliefs.

And yet, strangely enough, it felt that the decisions I was then making were more ‘religious’ (that is, existentially significant) than if I opted for a life of ecclesial and academic routine. It was in leaving, rather than submitting and staying, that I came to experience such biblical images of leaving one’s tribal and familial loyalties, of taking up one’s cross, and of risking the loss of all that had made me who I am.

In the next post I’ll answer some possible misunderstandings that might have arisen in people’s minds as to why I left the ministry; and then a final post will rapidly bring the stages of my journey up to the present.